Madam and Sir and Darling {Letter 1 (S1)}

Madam, 

Still searching for that hint of lavender…

On the street, inside stores, on sidewalks. On the ends of breezes, and behind restaurants. I’m searching for you. That’s the only honest way to find you, I’ve decided. I didn’t do anything before, in the way of trying to keep you in love with me. 

So I’m searching for you instead. Placing letters in places I know you would look for one, hoping no one had the idea before you. I don’t give a singular fuck if they do. I’ve written at least 50 letters. There is an apology in all of them. Lavender drops in a few others, sprigs, or jelly beans. 

I miss every second I wasted. I miss the times I made myself forget to call. I miss the times I did call and could only think to be dissatisfied with you.

I should have bought you two candles. I should have sung to you in person. Thank you for sleeping on the phone with me, for crying on behalf of my exhaustion.

It wasn’t you I was dissatisfied with. 

I’ve a responsibility to myself to finish everything I’ve started, you see. Close the wounds I opened for fun. I cannot speak to you anymore, not if I had any iota of care for you.

You know I love you. You knew the first day. The first meeting....you’ve eyes like a doll. Every time I fixed on them I couldn’t imagine they were real.

Couldn’t fathom your feelings would be either, you see. So I settled for chasing you, even if you were content to stand with me, feet rooted. My feet only know motion.

I’ll tire eventually. I will not deserve you still, when I do. 

I love you endlessly. Carelessly, clumsily, compulsively. 

Yours, 

Sir